Thursday, July 08, 2010

Hair Anxiety

I'm finally going to do it. I made an appointment for a haircut, on Saturday.

It's a place that'll do the donation to Locks of Love; if I'm going to cut off a foot & a half, someone might as well get some use out of it.

I really shouldn't be so apprehensive about such a transitory thing. It's just... I've had long hair forever, and that really isn't an exaggeration, as I have never cut it. Oh, I trim it now and then so it's not so straggly, but the only major cut I ever got was for bangs when I was 11 or so. And that wasn't really all that major.

For someone who doesn't give much of a care about how she looks, I seem to be startlingly vain about my hair. I was trying to explain why to the Love Monkey. For one, it's the only source of random complements I really ever get. Damn, it's pretty shallow that I care about that but it's nice, okay? -- almost especially because it's various strangers on the street. I don't get many compliments. I'm not ever winning any beauty contests and never have.

Another part of it is more personal, in that it immediately identifies me as FEMALE to anyone (from behind. From in front, there's no doubt at all, which I guess an be a mixed blessing). I've had a lot of trouble finding my own space for feeling female, as I don't really fit into any of the archetype woman categories. I don't always get along with other women very well, and I don't know why; maybe I don't think in quite the same way. It bleeds into all those feelings of inadequacy and poor self-image and all that crap. So frequently at the base of my fear is a declaration that dammit, at least I HAVE GOOD HAIR.

Aaaand yet another Terry Pratchett reference enters my life, via Agnes Nitt, who was: 'Tired of being seen as just another overweight girl with "a nice personality and good hair" '.

And so, it's really past time for some kind of change. I'm just steeling myself so I don't do something ridiculous like burst into tears. I have no idea even what kind of haircut to ask for. I will throw myself upon their mercy and hope for the best and not too much hairspray, as it gives me a headache. Meanwhile I am rocking the Little House On the Prairie look for as long as I'm able.


K. Lonopin said...

People who bare fear of anxiety Panic Attack Symptoms will often go to extreme measures to find some way to deal with a future panic attacks. Fortunately, there are many decisions you can make it. The bad news is that choice is not always cut and dry.

Gale said...

Not to burst your bubble, or be unkind in any way, but more than 50% of the hair that's donated to charity is rejected for one reason or another. If you have more than 5% grey in your hair, or have coloured it, it is not acceptable. Last year I tried to donate my hair, and it was rejected on the grey rule. The charities don't advertise their acceptance criteria (other than the grey thing). They also don't publicise how much hair they throw out.

(formerly) no-blog-rachel said...

You go for it - good for you! I had long hair all my life until cancer (well really chemo) took it away for a while. I'd identified myself so closely with my hair (and everyone described me as 'the girl with the hair) that I thought losing it would be really traumatic. And then when it happened, it really wasn't a big deal at all! A little weird, but fine. I hope it's as anti-climactic for you. :)

Cookie said...

Oh, honey, I hear you. However, it is only hair and it will grow back.

Btw, Pantene is involved with a program that makes wigs for women going through health stuff and they look like a much better group than the Locks of Love people, who sell left over hair to wig makers. They also charge the families for the wigs the kids get.


Carrie #K said...

A brave move and a charitable one! Good for you.

Anonymous said...

Second the Pantene suggestion. The LoL folks are not the best.

pacalaga said...

Dude, my evil twin is always gorgeous, long hair or bald or somewhere in between.

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elizabeth said...

OMG, I know exactly what you mean! I hid behind my long hair for a long time and finally cut it this spring because I couldn't stand not having a style any longer. Not that my hair was anywhere as long as yours! I love your new cut and I think you look great!