Thursday, October 28, 2010

I am too much a nice girl

And I mean that with probably all the connotations you can think of, although one is first and foremost in my mind today.

There's a lot of shit going down lately. I won't ask for an excuse for using that phrase, as it's richly descriptive. I am subjected to a manager who believes in ludicrously unreasonable deadlines. I decided to interview for another job. I just started a home business on the side. My father got very ill and he may or may not get less or more ill again, depending on what the tests say this week.

And also, honestly the media onslaught that accompanies any large election is exhausting. Even though I don't watch tv (that's why God created DVDs) and read online papers only sparingly), it's still everywhere, down to the pile of junk mail I receive everyday and the front pages of the papers in the kiosks near where I work. Just the amount of lying bullshit in the air fills me with despair.

I kind of identify as someone trying to set the world right, even if it's just doing my job well every day, throwing away trash I pick up on the street, be polite to every person I meet. I try to reduce entropy. And to see events and issues misrepresented so badly; that just makes me weep inside that any problems could ever be fixed or any wrongs could be righted.

Somewhere deep inside me is this tiny little optimistic kernel that if only everyone UNDERSTOOD things, aided by my trying to communicate as clearly as possible, then everyone would work towards a better world. Then the nasty cynical part reminds me that no, that's not actually true. The actions of many make it clear that they are actively trying to twist the world for their own gain, and nothing matters besides that.

Anyway, random aside, whatever. Back to topic.

I really dislike interviewing. Talking doesn't come easy for me, harder still if it's someone I don't know. I don't describe things well, and I don't have a natural rhythm to my speech. It seems to take too long for things to travel from my brain to my mouth, and they get garbled along the way.

But back to the nice girl: I am crap at negotiating.

I consistently undervalue my work and worth. I am so accustomed to trying to make you happy at any cost, that I will make concessions I don't agree with, that weren't necessary anyway. I am so damn eager to please that I'll do something I don't want to do to make a third party happy, when he might not even care.

I always seem to have to wait for external validation that I am competent and hardworking and deserve that raise. I never ask.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to tell someone that I am skilled and competent and believe I should be compensated fairly for this. There's this feeling that I will somehow mortally offend them by suggesting something more advantageous to me. That I will loose that all-important validation if they say no. That they're so uninterested in me that they'll just dismiss me out of hand.

And this is for a job I am not even certain I want to take. I am already employed (knock on that wood), and really, it's Not That Bad working here. I like the people a lot. The work is interesting.

I keep trying to come up with a coping mechanism for this and failing. I have a whole script I wrote out for a phone conversation this morning. I pretend I'm playing a character. I act Vulcan and keep reminding myself this is all professional. Grrrr still blurt out stupid things.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Even more things

The weekend after hiking we flew to New York to visit the Love Monkey's brother & SIL and NY niece and nephew. Yay for cheap tickets. Boo for the red eye.
It was gorgeous weather, sunny and warm the whole time. Better than Portland weather, by far. I brought a long sleeve shirt but never wore it. It's like when I was living in LA and occasionally in February it would rain, washing all the crud out of the air, and then the next day it was sunny and 75 degrees. In February. It was epiphany weather: as in, "Ah, THAT'S why everyone moved to southern California".

Mostly we hung out with the relatives, because they're fun to be around and NY niece & nephew are a hoot 'n' a half. I wish we didn't live so far away from them. NY niece is in KINDERGARTEN now. aaagh! She and I and her Mom played some great Plants vs. Zombies.

Carousel ride in Central Park. I've never heard a carousel play "There's a bad moon on the rise" on calliope pipes before.

Part of the amble through Central Park.

And HOO do you love? (yes, that's a bat to the right)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

More things I did

A few weekends ago, on what we thought might be the last sunny warm weekend of the year, we went backpacking up in Indian Heaven Wilderness

What you cannot see in this picture is the west side of Mount St. Helens peaking through the trees.

Saturday was gorgeous and warm and sunny.

There were huckleberries. OK, not so many on this bush.

Sunday was not quite so warm and sunny.

But it was mysterious and interesting and not bad hiking weather. I only managed to fall over once, and really in the best possible way as I didn't break or strain anything (Except once I got home my bad knee swelled up and I couldn't really bend it much for a week. I definitely choose hiking over stairs for ways to ruin your knees, though.)

The Love Monkey contemplates the mist.
Sadly (not so sadly?) there weren't any wildlife encounters except some chipmunks and birds. I'm fine with that, as I don't really enjoy having the bear box we brought get a workout.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Not very good at being back

As you might have been able to tell.

It's really nice just to sit here and type even though my todo list is still 20 items long. Hey, I just crossed off a couple of them. Small victories, people.

In September I went to OFFF, the Oregon Flock & Fiber Festival. It was lovely, as always.
Hi Michelle, I am specifically not posting a picture of you! Even though it's a good one!

I think a lot of people got shots of this guy.

Sheep owners seem to like Papyrus a lot.

I am posting a picture of THIS Michelle. Fickleknitter was there!

I bought some pretty yarn, to add to the mountain of pretty yarn I already have.


Hi Cookie!

Are for