Where would you like me to put that bouquet, Bridezilla?


(Image from The Daily Pepper)

I'd like to think I'm not a horrible bad-tempered fiancée. But how do you know? Weekly World News used to print these tests in their paper, entitled "Are a Space Alien?" and bylined "You might have come from outer space and not even know it!. If you answer yes to more than 7 of these questions, you might be from Mars!" Of course, we were all space aliens, in our grungy, sleep-deprived, studying-like-madmen collegian states.

1. Do you exhibit signs of bitchy behavior at the slightest provocation?


2. Have you ever screamed at your fiancé during wedding planning, even once?


3. Do you have urges to throttle the caterers?


4. Have you changed venues? 2 times? 3 times?


5. Are you suing any of your former (or current) providers?


6. Did you take more than 6 months to choose a wedding dress?


7. Is your family threatening to disown you?


8. Is everyone in your bridal party avoiding you?


9. Does your fiancé keep muttering something like "wish we'd eloped", or "maybe this marriage thing is not a good idea"?

I can only answer yes to #3, but it's because they still haven't managed to get the stupid insurance form (total of four, yes, 4 fields to fill out. One of them is a signature) to the venue. Going on 6 weeks now since I gave them a cover letter, form, and stamped, addressed envelope. Tired of making daily phone calls to venue and caterers.

I'm the sort to worry, but I'm not worrying over things like whether the flowers are perfect, whether it's going to be sunny but baking hot, or whether my bridesmaids all match. I see this as partially an oportunity to meet up with a bunch of old friends I haven't seen in forever and really, why do the flowers matter that much? Of course they'll look great, they're FLOWERS.

Yes, I'm worried about my hair and makeup and dress, but that's because I spend most of my time in a state of looking extremely dorky. I kind of gave up on fashion a long time ago, as I don't really have the body or time for it. The more I let it all just go, the happier I feel.

I've been freaking out various vendors for months now with the simple fact that I do not have any wedding colors. This is a foreign concept to them. To put a nice spin on it, I'm eclectic (that means: none of my garden plants or dinner plates match). It helps that I have only one bridesmaid, so I told her to wear whatever color or style she liked that would be wedding-appropriate and suited her. She's going to be wearing a black cocktail dress, which will probably look absolutely stunning on her. She was kind enough to vet the choice with me first, but I'm fine with it.

I picked out dark blue and purple and green flowers for my wedding bouquet, because they looked pretty and that's what I was feeling like on that day. Honestly, the bouquets of peach roses were gorgeous. But I'd look even dorkier next to a bunch of peach roses, you know?

For example, I can admire Butterfly, the Silk Garden cardigan, from afar, but I know I'd look like hell in it. Most jewelry has the same effect.

11 days now. Will we get the house clean in time? Will the garden plants survive to look all pretty when everyone shows up? Will my mother and my future mother-in-law get along? (probably, but they probably won't be bosom buddies.) Will I dissolve into a pile of teary goo during the ceremony? (also another probably, can't do biofeedback worth crap). I can't really control anything but the first and maybe the second items, so I'm feeling pretty good today, in a it's-all-inevitably-going-happen-now way.

Everyone's coming next week, and I happily anticipate seeing them. I'm going to take Mom to the Yarn Garden for some fiber lovin'. She's stuck in acrylic land still but I'm hoping to convert her. K's parents from Illinois will get to drink lots of microbrew beer and enjoy all the fresh fish they can eat. I'll get to see my new neice, Nora, who will be all of 2 months old. I get to marry my best friend in 11 days. And this Friday I'm going with a bunch of cool coworkers to the Oregon Brewer's Festival starting at 2:30 pm. Life is good.