Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I promise

I'm not an astrology believer. But Crazy Aunt Purl sure is dead on for this month. I am back to obsessing about everything. Don't know how to feel anymore. I snapped at K today and felt immediately awful. Maybe it's that I'm not much of a conversationalist, it's not easy, and people have begun to arrive. And I am not a good talker. I run out of things to say.

The expected wrinkle in the plans has arrived, extensibly because we upped the people count from 35 to 60 two weeks ago. The people who we're renting all the silverware and linens and glasses and such from can't deliver such a big load on Saturday. They only can do it Friday. Venue says they don't have facilities for storage and no, Friday is a no go. So now what? I guess we'll have several heavy crates of tableware, glasses, and linens delivered to our house and rent a van or something to take them to the venue.

I keep telling myself to relax and enjoy this time, but I feel always on edge. As if everyone is watching and evaluating me. As a kid, I used to love to be the center of attention. But now I'm not so comfortable with the spotlight. Illuminates the love handles, you know?

I have not yet finished writing my vows. We decided to each write our own vows for the marriage ceremony, and read them. K says he wants us to know what the other is going to say ahead of time, but he's being secretive about his. Hmmph. He claims to be a non-traditionalist but then it's all "you father should walk you up the aisle" and "what do you mean you are thinking about not wearing white?" Heh.

I'm working on them now (look at me, avoiding work through blogging, ha). I thought I was a fairly good writer but it's proving difficult writing phrases that are simple, true, heartfelt, and yet not maudlin or clichéed. I don't know why I'm worried about clichéed, as this whole wedding ceremony thing? Been done a lot of times before. No matter what I write, someone, somewhere will have already said it.

But I've always had a hard time expressing personal, private thoughts in text to an audience. Hate, hate, hated those "opinion" papers I had to do. I know that it's worth doing, and most things worth doing aren't easy, but I don't know where all my energy has gone.

I blocked the Kiri shawl the other day. It's not my favorite, but I think it turned out very nice. I made it way to big, of course. Heh. Knitted it at a tighter gauge than recommended and did a preliminary block a few rows in but my gauge relaxed a bit over those next 4 balls I guess. Blocking sure does something magical to lace, even to this fuzzy mohair & silk Douceur et Soie. It's a soft cornflower blue called "French Blue" that I picked up sale at a local yarn shop when I had no idea at all what I was going to use it for but oooh soft! Bah. No self control whatsoever.

Ah well. Better get back to it. I'll leave you with a picture of the wildflowers we seeded the parking strip with. They looked fabulous in June. Not so fabulous now in August. California poppies, blue desert bluebells, and some white wildflowers from a wildflower mix. The second is a single pink California poppy.


Carole said...

Relax, relax, relax. Enjoy this time if you possibly can.

La said...

So you're a cappy too, huh? Yeah, I've been fighting panic attacks over nothing these last couple of days. Our house is fine (if not a bit neglected); finances couldn't be better, marriage is just as it should be. So why all this tenseness? I have no friggin idea, but I'm glad it's gonna be over because I'm ready to either punch something, or seek therapy.

Anonymous said...

Carole is me sappy but you only have this time in your life once, so try to soak it up...
As for the stuff being delivered to you house, one word -delegate! I am sure you know someone with a truck, SUV, car, who would love to be in charge of getting that to the venue for you. Let them. Then you don't have to think about it anymore. :)

Your day is going to be so great!! I am sure of it.

BigAlice said...

La: Yeah, December 30th.
Ha, I prefer glass bottles and brick walls myself. Harder to clean up though.
Yes, obsess obsess obsess. Fortunately I had a maid of honor with Super Powers of Organization and Calming. Thank goodness for her.

Weirdly enough, I got a huge zit just about the same time Crazy Aunt Purl predicted last month. That freaked me out. Until the nice payoff didn't happen. damn.

I did manage to relax and enjoy the day itself, but planning a large party isn't my thing, really, and I'm kind of glad that bit's over.